natsumi4g: (izam)
Someday... someday I'll live in a house of my own. With everything just as I want it. 
natsumi4g: (izam)
I am angry. I am angry about my situation. My situation is having to take care of my mother. My situation is being stuck in Phoenix for the indefinite future.

I am frustrated. I am frustrated because my social security benefits haven't been decided on, and I'm not sure I will get them.

I hurt people. I hurt my mother's feelings. I make her feel bad. I hurt my grandmother. I don't treat her well. I take her for granted and ignore her.

I am attached to the idea that everything should be as I want it. I am attached to the idea that I should never be interrupted or be in a position where I have to interact with others. I am attached to thinking that I don't deserve this life.

Who deserves it? Doesn't this happen to other people, who are much worse off than me?

I am obsessed with objects, the aquiring of things, and I am not satisfied when I get them. I just move on to the next thing, with the added burden of more debt.

I don't want to go on thinking in ways that make me depressed, doing things that only cause me more stress.
natsumi4g: (izam)
I can't think of the last time I was really, truly happy. I can't think of the last thing I felt proud about. I don't want to be here. I don't want to keep doing this. I want to be far away, with nothing tying me down. Right now I'm living with a giant anchor around my neck and every day I sink a little bit more.

My life is over. Nobody thinks of it like that, but it is. I'm expected to bear the brunt of this burden for the rest of my life. Nobody cares.

And if I'm not feeling bad about that, someone else makes me feel bad about a whole different set of bullshit; things I can't comprehend, let alone give a shit about.
natsumi4g: (izam)
It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I will never have half the happiness or normalcy that people around me enjoy.
natsumi4g: (izam)
I look at pictures of tall grass and hills and think, "This is home".

I hear the crash of waves and pouring rain and think, "I am home".

Then I wake up here, surrounded by desert, and wonder where my home has gone.
natsumi4g: (izam)
I am getting so sick of being belittled and treated badly by people who supposedly care about me. They keep going out of their way to make me feel bad all the time and I'm tired of it. One of these days I'm going to snap and tell them how I feel. I'm tired of all the passive-aggressive bullshit and guilt-tripping. Treated like shit.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off alone.

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natsumi4g

December 2016

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